Funny Jokes and One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters:

1. ‘I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.’2. ‘I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.’

3. ‘I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.’

4. ‘Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.’

5. ‘Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.’

6. ‘Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.’

7. ‘It’s best for employers that I not work with people.’

8. ‘Let’s meet , so you can ‘ ooh’ and ‘ aah’ over my experience.’

9. ‘You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.’

10. ‘Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.’

11. ‘I was working for my mom until she decided to move.’

12. ‘Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.’

13. ‘I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.’

14 ‘I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.’

15. ‘I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. ‘

16. ‘My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.’

* * *


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Peggy May Starlings



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